The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Welp...herpes.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
