I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
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