there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
