dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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