Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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