I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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