woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
