Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Mom said you looked used
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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