Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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