I can tuck mytits in my pants
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
