he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
