I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we made out on top of his cat.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am available for nakedness
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
