I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
