I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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