I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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