I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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