I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
