Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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