Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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