I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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