Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
