I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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