mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
