We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
