I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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