you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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