Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
