Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
