his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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