I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
