i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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