With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
This house was built for laser tag.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
