two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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