My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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