For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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