your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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