It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
