I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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