I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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