hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
