6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
