Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
