The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
