OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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