if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
