the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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