We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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