I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
