I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
