Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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