The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
