Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
