i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
