we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
