I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
