What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
